There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.