I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
i think both sides are to blame here
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him