The fall of Netflix
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I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.