I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
nice challenge
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
i will avenge u mr van gogh