My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real