Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
the last thing a carrot sees
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My patience has stretch marks.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.