<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
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like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.