Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
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Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding