You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
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Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.