God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.