I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY