Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.