Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
*exercises sarcastically*
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.