[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
When someone trying to leave me
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.