Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
i will avenge u mr van gogh