Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
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to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?