family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.