Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Saturday
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.