CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
🤣😂
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.