WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Yep.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
u spoke cat all this time??????