” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked