political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.