My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Not today. 😅