Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
listen closely
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger