After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion