[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
You Might Also Like
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good