interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
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What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”