America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*pokes sex life with a stick
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.