Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
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Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.