Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Does beer think about me too?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.