My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You Might Also Like
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
is this a warning or an offer?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.