Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”