My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
That time Alicia messaged me
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.