I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Life cycle of cat
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol