Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do