I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
So inspired right now.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam