teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
You Might Also Like
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds