I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.