I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
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Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Kermit goes Blue.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*