Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”