i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
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Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.