him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station