When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”