i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
this is the greatest thing ever
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.