I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*updates tinder bio*
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.