Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
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When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Shower sex be like:
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.