I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.