A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you