Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Many hands make light work