*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
LMAO.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead